I have not written anything here for a while. Some of you may have wondered as to whether I have given up on the project. I have not. It was for reasons of conscience that I have refrained from putting anything in writing here. My struggles were simply too intense for me to write anything at all seeking to encourage or challenge others.
Following our Convocation (actually beginning during it), I found myself under attack from the forces of darkness of this world, some of them in my own soul. I was beset in a way that I have only rarely experienced by temptations, discouragements, thoughts of my own failures and and overwhelming sense that I was never going to see the Awakening for which I am praying. After all, how could I (in the state that I was in) lead anyone to anything profitable? I despaired of life, much less success in this great endeavor.
The situation lasted from the time of our Convocation in February to sometime late in May. Then, on a Saturday night, when I was much beset with temptations and thoughts of failure, I cried out to God in despair for Him to deliver me or take my life. (I was not, nor have I been, suicidal but I simply had no desire to continue living without His help.) I don't know what to tell you about what happened. I have no words to describe it. I am much like the blind man of John 9, "I was bind but now I see." I went to sleep a defeated man and awoke in victory. As the old song says, "my fetters fell off."
I woke up in a new world in which God's victory was readily available to me and my life has changed. My prayer life, which formerly was a chore, is a joy and a time of delight in the Lord. Whereas I found it difficult to be disciplined to pray daily, I now grieve if I miss a day. My preaching has changed, but I really don't know how to describe that to you either. I don't know how to evaluate it. That will remain to be demonstrated by the fruits.
And, I don't want to leave you with the impression that my struggles are over. They are definitely not. I continue to be attacked and, at times, to fail to weather the attack. But the times of recovery come quickly and my joy is soon restored.
I have wondered at times whether the Convocation was helpful to any of you. I certainly pray that it was but I can report to you that is has been of immense help to me. Of course, I have no way to know what the future holds nor how or when God is going to answer our cries for Awakening. But I am seriously considering another Convocation for 2011 and hope that you can all come.
All of the praise here goes to our Gracious God. I merely cried, He is the One Who Answered. I wanted to make sure that this was just not some temporary phase of mind, so I waited until now to communicate what has happened with me. I grow more confident by the day that this is not a temporary thing. Perhaps.....Oh, perhaps......